A Letter To Dad

Dear Papa,
I wanted to talk to you about this for a long time but I know that this issue would have invited a heated argument between us, so I turn to the classic method of letters where you will atleast listen to what I am saying and may be by the end, your mind is changed. Even better, it is in electronic form so you cant't just crumple it in anger and throw away. Now that the semester has ended, I request you to listen to me.

Before I start, please promise me that you will not get offended by anything I have to say. I need to vent out my frustrations and since it is all about us, I can't talk about it with anyone else. Last week when I talked to Mamaji, I disconnected the call in between and decided that I will never call him again. He must have mentioned this incident or may be he realised why I did so. It has become a stupid trend in our family - In every conversation, Didi's marriage is always discussed. I know that she has reached the marriageable age but still I do not understand the madness which has overpowered everyone's mind. It has happened everytime I have called him during the last one year - "बेटा , आज कल तो बस एक सूत्रीय कार्यक्रम है  बिटिया की शादी। " These words irritate me to an extent which is beyond any explanation.

When Didi was in B.Pharma. 3rd year, you people had started looking for a suitable match for her and now it seems that you all have lost every other purpose of your life except her marriage. Whats so important about getting your girl married? Why is everyone so desperate? Why the hell you people ask her to help mom in the kitchen when she comes back home and never ask her how was the day? Why do you expect her to go to another room when you want to discuss about her marriage with anyone? Why have you people started treating her like a 'grocery item' ready to be sold?

As parents, you have never failed in performing your duties. You provided her with all the opportunities she deserved but it was never that simple. I know it was hard for you to stand against all those elderly men and give her another chance to crack CPMT but why did you even face a dilemma when you knew that you were right? Its not an issue that you said some things in anger some times and as parents you had all the right to do so but how fair is it to point out that she would not have got any such opportunities if you had stuck to your family values and norms. You know that those values are trash. Why did you yourself move out of that place? Can you imagine going back to village and agreeing with so called 'wise-men' of the family on any issue? Then why do you remind her everytime - "हमारे घर की औरतें बरौठे के बाहर नहीं जाती। " Papa, its a shame if they don't go out. I know you don't mean it, otherwise, you would not have sent her out for project but still saying such things demotivates her.

Dadda is done with B.Tech and he is satisfied with his job. Even I don't wish to study further but she will be done with her Masters this August and then she wants to go for PhD. She has been consistently performing very well and I cannot think of matching her efforts even in my dreams. Still, why has everything else become so important to you and not her dreams? I have deep respect for you and mom. You have seen acute poverty but still you worked tirelessly to give us a life where we do not have to turn to others for our needs. You have made our foundations very strong and its because of our upbringing only that even though we might appear to be crude to others but we can never cease to surprise them with the kind of efforts we can put in to achieve anything. When you could do so much in the past amid all the adversities, why are you not able to think rationally now?

Back there in family, when somebody says - "लड़कियों को ज्यादा पढ़ाना भी बुरा है, लडक़ा बड़ी मुश्किल से मिलता है।", I feel like shooting them from point-blank range but I am helpless because they are YOUR respected elders. I wonder how can you even listen to such things? My sister is a part of you and mom. Nobody else has any right to interfere. Look at the type of matches they suggest - 'a person running atta-chakki who has amassed huge wealth through wrong-doings , a single boy who does not do anything but is the sole beneficiary when his dad dies, a person who has cleared PCS written exam thrice but still doesn't do anything, a person who is 9 years older than her and is a professor in Agra University......' . I am happy that you finally rejected them all but I am scared by the way people think. How can one even suggest such matches for a girl who will soon be independent and will have a respectable job?

I do not understand why there is so much fuss about her marriage. Is that the ultimate achievement of anyone's life? Lets take up a situation which I pray she never has to face - what if she gets married to a perfect match according to you all and then for some reasons the marriage doesn't work well? Will you take up the blame? Even if you do, how good will it be? At that time, even you will shatter and curse yourself because only then you will regret giving in to the societal pressure. But before that, you will justify your choice in every possible way. You will spend a fortune to make up for the dowry amount and even after having lost so much, you will be relieved that at the end - "बिटिया विदा हो गई। " . Will that really be an achievement of your lifetime? Why are you trying to force your choice on her and that too when it is not guaranteed that it will be the best bet for her.

My sister is not dependent on anyone nor does she have to in future. She is an individual first and your daughter next. When she talks to boys, why do you fear that she will elope? Just because she is in front of your eyes, you scrutinize every moment of her life. Do you think that Dadda or I do not talk to girls, do not hang around with them? Papa, we do. We also had strong feelings for some of them in the past and I am mad about a girl at this time but we know our boundaries. Whats wrong if someone has feelings for the other person? It is natural and if its missing then I think there is something terribly wrong. I remember when I used to miss a call from Aisha, you used to smile and tell me that she had called but if she misses a call, why does she have to explain or fear that she might be asked to explain? Just because she is your daughter, you can't control her life. Why do you expect her to take your permission for everything she does? You have already dictated your rules for the last 24 years of her life and still you want to find a person of your choice to take control of the rest of her life. She can't be denied a choice just because she is a girl. "हमारे समाज में ये नहीं होता , हमारे समाज़ में वो नहीं होता। " - you fear the society when you are saying such things but why do you have to even fear? If you are not happy because of some social norms and still you are trying to abide by them then how are they helping? Why should you care about someone who doesn't care about your happiness. What's the use of lavish reception parties when inside you are not sure of your choice? You can never say whats going to come but still you'll be happy because you would have exercised your authority on your daughter's life and decided the course of rest of her life. Isn't that really mean? Why is everyone so insensitive about this issue?

I want Didi to be independent so that she doesn't have to look upon anyone in future. So that she doesn't have to listen to anyone's stupid arguments. So that she can be happy all by herself. So that she doesn't need a protector in form of a father or a brother.So that she can stand out from the crowd and hold her head high. So that she is never dictated by anyone. So that she doesn't need to be auctioned like this. So that she can break free from your, mine or her future husband's identity and frame a new one for herself. And so that she can finally become 'HERSELF'.

Without Fear of Favour: Bitiya (Daughter)

Without Fear of Favour: Bitiya (Daughter)

Bitiya (Daughter)

"अकृति बेटा , वो कुण्डली - मिलान  वाला  सॉफ्टवेर  है ना तुम्हारे पास ?" I had called one of my relatives to know about his well-being and the first thing he asked about was Kundli lite( Kundli and match-making software). "I had, but I uninstalled it because it gives me headache doing match-making for you all the time. Please don't ask me again for that." My response was blunt but it saved me from a lot of trouble which was nearly becoming a ritual. All families had set out on the mission to get the young girls in the family married. For me it was really odd. Everyone comes up with their own choices and suggest a match. They even try to prove that the match suggested by them is the best and look down upon the parents of the girl as if the parents are dependent on them. Parents in turn have the future of their beloved daughter in the mind but due to social setup, they can't express their unease quite vocally.

I don't know whether its still prevalent in larger parts of the society or not, but as much as I have seen the world, the process of finding a suitable groom for the girl starts from her birth itself. She is always taught to be girly in her looks and acts. I remember playing 'Khana-Pakana' with my sister. It used to be fun at that time - a tent made with shawls and bed-sheets, and in their we used to mimic the real world around us. How can one forget dolls - "Gudde Gudiya ki shaadi!".
Forgive me for my poor recall capability but i also remember the differences in scolding pattern - "इस लड़की में लड़कियों वाले एक भी लक्षण नहीं है "…… "धीरे हँसा करो, लड़कियाँ इतनी ज़ोर से नहीं हँसती"....... "तुम्हें चुप हो जाना चाहिए था, लड़कियाँ सौम्य होती हैं "………।
I was never taught a code of conduct at home or at anywhere else. I was never told that you are a boy so you should be doing this or that. But looking at a typical girl's life, it appears that all through her life, she is on a quest to become a perfect daughter then a wife, a mother and then die without asking for any acknowledgement. Those who follow the course are portrayed as ideal and those who deviate have to face all sorts of questions. But as I dig deeper, I become more and more confused. Should we always blame the males of the society for oppression?
In the current scenario, when we talk about injustice to women, we instantly think of sexual violence which is ofcourse a disturbing issue and it is inflicted by the males. But in the whole process, nobody questions the role of the females themselves. Mother-in-laws still blame the woman delivering a girl-child. I fail to reason out how a woman can blame another woman for bringing one of their own kind to the world.  We still find news where families abandon the mother for delivering a girl child. All this happens in the families with a history of atrocities on women. This means that the mother-in-law would also have gone through all that she will now subject her daughter-in-law too. Where does her pain of suffering during her own time, go away?
Lets not go to the extreme of abandoning the girl but still the new mother is made to feel guilty in all the ways it can be done. It is almost chiseled in her mind that she had committed a crime. Well the situation might not be so horrific in all places but it is surely even more shocking at some other places.
After few days, acceptance comes and in many cases, the reactions might not be aggressive but behavioral changes from everyone ensures a good amount of mental torture. As the kid grows, it becomes everyone's eye-candy irrespective of its gender. For all their innocence, everyone likes a small kid irrespective of whether its a boy or a girl. But as they grow older, differences creep in again. Girls are trained to be girls in everything they do. From small things like adjusting their clothes when they stand up, to helping mothers in the kitchen, there are certain rituals they are expected to perform just because they are girls. I remember the

day my sister got her nose pierced. It was not by choice - it was forced. I can't even imagine anybody doing anything with my body parts without my will but did she really had a choice? As a kid, I had a heartily laugh when I saw her in tears because we earlier had a fight that day and I felt that it was a well deserved lesson but now I feel very bad. She was helpless but nobody cared.
I can talk to girls - as many as I want. I might be close to one of them but not all of them. But what if my sister chats with somebody - I'll be suspicious. I'll expect a certain kind of behaviour from my girlfriend but what if my own sister wants to return the same to somebody? Should I support her, turn a blind eye on it or oppress her feelings? The other boy will be in the same position as me, still I'll hate him for hitting on my sister. In our patriarchal society, brothers and fathers are treated as protectors. But that protection comes with a hidden clause - you act according to my wishes and I'll protect you. Even if this clause is followed strictly, I have no right to have bad feelings about the other guy because if he is a right choice, harming the girl will be the last thing he could think of. Still I'll be suspicious and will feel uncomfortable with this idea of my sister having feelings for somebody. All this in name of PROTECTION.

Is protection the real motive we have? Certainly not!
Its an issue of ego clash and so-called prestige which gets reflected very clearly when it comes to marriage. In large part of country, love marriage is still taboo. A love marriage is seen as a challenge to the authority of the parents. Did my dad ever introduced me to my mom and said - "Look son, this is your mother and you have to love her and obey her all through your life." ?  NO! nobody ever says like that but why does it happen when it comes to choosing a life partner. The situation is equally complicated for boys but they always have advantage in our social structure. The search for a suitable match is a long and tiring process but still its a prestige issue so the parents choose the complicated path. Right from the beginning, they decide the course of our life to make us into able individuals who can lead a satisfying life. Every parent performs this duty and unquestionably, it is selfless. I mean there is very little that we can give back to our parents during the whole lifetime for all they do for us. Amid everything, comes the marriage. A boy or a girl choosing partner of their choice becomes a denial of parent's right to determine the child's future. A choice made by

the boy can still be accommodated but in most parts, its a crime for the girl to even think about it. They cannot express their choice. 'Sapno ka rajkumaar' chosen by the parents might appear to be the dumbest person to her but her fate is decided by the elders - the 'unwise' wise men. Why should a girl not be involved in decision making? Why should she not be asked whether she'll be able to reach her goals? Why should she be expected to accept anything that is slapped by her destiny? The decisions are made with very little or no participation of the girl herself and then finally marriage takes place. Parents loose their daughters and a hefty sum paid as dowry too. Still they are happy because having lost so much, they gained respect from those people of the society who might betray them in the first available opportunity. They become happy as the power equation shifts. Now the father is relieved of the role of protector which is taken over by the husband. If everything goes well, its fine but what if the marriage faces hiccups? Despite all the kundali matching, marriages still do fail. Who takes the responsibilty of that? Will the parents go on to girl and say that it was our fault? Even if they do, how good is that apology? Instead, the girl will be asked to adjust and will be told to behave like a woman.
She becomes a mother, again undergoing a lot of suffering. Roles keep on changing but she never discovers herself. Right from her birth he starts a journey to unknown. Its always about satisfying others first and then live a life of their own in whatever little room they get. I don't know what made me write all this because I have so many other things to do too but before I put a full stop, I thank you for being my mother, my sister, my teachers, my friends, somebody I loved and somebody I will always love - you make this world a better place.

Rest in peace - you belonged to a country called 'INDIA'

"अभी तो बच्चा है , बड़ा होकर समझदार हो जायेगा !" (He's just a kid, will become responsible when he grows up.)

Does the opening line leave you confused ? It confuses me too. This word - बड़ा होना (growing up to be an adult) has been used so casually that it has perhaps lost its meaning and people defining it have lost minds. When we were kids, people used to ask - " बेटा , बड़े होकर क्या बनोगे ? (which profession would you like to pursue when you grow up?)" We used to innocently answer whatever we fascinated about. But do you remember anybody ever saying - "What will you be after 18 ?" Or did you ever plan your life in two phases - "Before 18 and after 18." No, I guess.

Why is this 18 mark so important to distinguish a juvenile from an adult? Does adulthood come in just a matter of one day or two? I mean if today, I am 17 years and 364 days old and 18 years of age , a day after, will there be any drastic change in me in two days. Will my sperm count shoot up and grow exponentially ? Or will I be enlightened in those two days? Still worse - can I transform into an animal as soon as I cross that 18 mark?
NO! the answer to all above questions is a strict no. Primarily, adulthood is defined as the age of sexual maturity. But do you think that sexual maturity come in one day? We are not talking about a rocket launch which has to follow the exact launch schedule. Sexual maturity is not something that knocks your door on a fine morning as soon as you turn 18. But for our judiciary, it seems that adulthood is some birthday gift that comes to each juvenile as soon as he turns 18.

When this innocent girl was raped in a bus last year, many protests were held. Ministers made many promises as usual but everything faded away with her death. The government supposedly flew her dead body to Singapore and probably bribed (after all they are best at bribing) the hospital administration there to declare her 'dead' but not 'brought dead'. Everything came back to normal and people got busy in their daily chores. Everyone forgot the girl except for her family because only they had lost a part of them, not us. People don't care anymore. Anna Hazare can fast if he gets limelight and is equalled with Gandhi but where does he hide when a girl is thrashed to death? Sonia Gandhi's health becomes a news of national importance but what about so many girls who are denied their right to live after being raped brutally ?

In this case, we were not even dealing with just a single rape attempt. A girl was raped turn-by-turn by six people and this 'juvenile' - "He beat her with an iron rod. He inserted it into her body till it went all the way up and yanked it out, and with it, her intestines. As she shouted for him to stop, he screamed at her, 'Saali, mar! (Die, bitch)' Yet the law calls him a juvenile."

The parliament is always united to pass a 'reservation' bill because it fetches them votes but what about the families which are shattered after such heinous acts? Can you imagine her mother ever having a sound sleep in her life. And her brother who despite getting tied a rakhi could not do anything to save his sister. And the male friend, who will always curse himself that they did it all in front of him. And the father, who can't do anything but fight his tears somehow. The judiciary seems to have lost vision. This so-called juvenile was well aware of what he was doing. He had also robbed a carpenter the other day.

Gang rape is not a momentary event. Only animals can do this. I guess if the judge had imagined this happening to him/her just once, the verdict would have been different. These animals can never be a part of a civilized society. Lets answer a simple question - If my pet dog is infected with rabies and it bites anyone whom it sees, will I still let it live ? NO, will be my call. Then how are these people different. How does it matter if the dog is infected at the age of 1 or 8? It still poses a threat and must be killed. Same applies to all the five accused in this case. But I guess now people are too busy to read my article or think at their own. That girl has already been forgotten except for her family. Politicians already warmed their hands and the case is too cold now.

I am unable to think what will happen if the three members of her family commit suicide out of frustration. Who will be accountable for those three lives - a law that shields the culprit. If that law takes away three other innocent lives while saving a culprit accused of a horrendous act, how is that law any good ?

I know I will never get an answer to any of my questions and there's little that I can do at my end except for respecting the girls. And for the departed soul I can just say - "Rest in peace - you belonged to a crap nation called 'India' where being a girl is the biggest crime you commit as soon as you are born."

Rape Me My Friend

I recall watching a movie starring Anil Kapoor and Juhi Chawla , about 10 years back. In the movie, the actress had taken a tough stand against a politician so the politician hired a goon(Anil Kapoor) and asked him to rape the girl. A fearsome villain, Anil chooses her wedding day. He storms into her room and rapes her while people wait for the bride downstairs.
Well that was just a movie and at that point of time i didn't even know what rape was. In general, parents used to switch channels whenever they feared that we as children might see something vulgar, so I knew that rape was something that was an act of indecency towards a woman and that I should not watch anything related to it on the television.
10 years have passed since then and I am all grown up. I know what rape is and how much trauma it means to a girl. Coming back to the movie, the actress was raped just before her wedding. The bridegroom's family walked away saying, “yeh shaadi nahi ho sakti... hume saare samaaj mein apni thu-thu thode hi naa karwaani hai.”
My exams were starting the next week so I frowned at first that how could I lose concentration and get distracted by such random thoughts but the next moment everything was crystal clear. My thoughts were not random and my question was not pointless. 

At that time it didn't matter even a little bit to me and I went on to watch the movie without any reflecting thoughts on the issue. But it greatly does now. These days media is much more evolved and aggressive in coverage of various issues. I will not say that they are very responsible and so they do all this but still they are giving some food to our thoughts. Rape is one such issue which is being widely covered by media these days. So i was not surprised when all of a sudden that movie scene flashed through my memory. Infact I started getting deeper into thoughts and ended up getting a random question for myself – What if I was the bridegroom in the movie ?

The broader question was will you marry a girl who has been raped? I had my answer in the next thought so i decided to discuss the same situation with others to know what the general viewpoint of other people was. Interestingly or unfortunately i must say, it came out that people try to show that they are open-minded individuals and that they think differently than the society but when it came about the issue of rape and marriage, everyone preffered to remain orthodox. Rape was equated with untouchability. I laughed within myself because I felt pity that these people 'Like' ,'Share' and 'Comment' on the posts against rapes but at the same time, actually, they are against the rape-victims in real life. Social media has given us ample chances to discuss issues but a proper mindset still lacks. People feel proud that they are supporting online campaigns but that is of little or no use as long as majority of our soceity has no acceptability for a rape-victim.

Many people might think that I am pervert that I think this way but I actually posed this situation to myself – “My marriage has been scheduled and engagement already done. Weeks before our marriage someone rapes the girl. Will I still marry the girl ?” without any doubts, my answer was 'Yes'.
Yes was my decision but what about my parents? Will they accept the girl? The answer was 'No'. Here comes the fear of the soceity. I know that my parents will never accept a rape-victim as their daughter-in-law. Its not that they don't have heart but our soceity plays evil here. I am sure that most of our parents belong to some orthodox conservative families where the families' reputation is of utmost importance so how can they stand against all the taunts and humiliation that a rape-victim is subjected to. They fear what others will say but never care to think how the girl will feel. I don't understand that how can they forget that the victim could also be a mother or a sister. What if somebody rapes my mother or sister (Many people will say how can I think like this about my own mother.... This article is not for you!) . Will I corner myself from my mother and stop giving her due respect? No! Instead, I'll shut all those mouths which utter even a single word against her.
Then why do people have a different attitude towards an unmarried girl. It will be just fooling around if they still look for a virgin saved for them. Does sex outweigh emotions ? It should not! If it does for you, I am not pervert writing all this but you definitely are. If a person has decided to spend his life with someone then how does it matter that the girl was raped ? But our society which is constituted by 'us' plays the villain. 

People sympathise with a rape victim but nobody supports them. Is there any need for the girl to feel guilty for the rape ? No! But she does. She does because people don't spare her. Right from ancient times, women have been treated as 'Objects'. People have treated them just as a means of pleasure and women have more or less accepted their fate. Was it not the fear of the soceity that led Rama to ask Sita for an 'agneepariksha' ? And at the same time, did Sita not simply accept her fate ? Both were at fault. Had I been Rama, I would have banished that washerman from the city but Rama actually feared losing his title of 'maryada purshottam'. Its not that Rama didn't love his wife, otherwise who searches for a missing person for so long

and then fights an epic battle to get back his wife. It will not be wise to think that Rama would not have thought about what the washerman said. Atleast a million times he must have thought about the same but still it didn't matter to him until the washerman mentioned it. Only after this, he became concious of the fact that Sita might have become 'unsacred'.
 

There are serious problems in our society. Although our society is developing but still when it comes to talk about topics like rape and sex, most of the people refrain. They say that such things are prohibited in Indian culture. But they tend to forget 'Kamdev' – a Hindu deity specially symbolising love. So how do these topics become taboo? We pretend to be following the west. We aspire for a lifestyle that is more materialistic and comfortable but actually we are getting caught up in the middle of our own culture and the west. We are embracing their practices according to our ease. Public Display of Affection and Live-in relationships are just two examples where we have followed the west but when it comes to open-mindness and standing firm against the soceity, we decide to shrink within our own dens. I don't undersatnd why should anyone care about a soceity that doesn't care about their happiness. Why should anyone have any problem if I decide to spend my whole life with a rape victim?
I am not trying to present myself as a saint and its not that I'll go looking for a victim for marriage. I am just considering a situation if something happens with the girl I like or whom I am about to marry. In no case, I'll let her go.

Love is always unconditional, be it filial love or any other kind. If its not unconditional then it can't be termed as love. So how does soceity come into picture at all. It doesn't and it should not. If I like someone, I will be ready to accept her with all her good and bad qualities, irrespective of what her past has been, irrespective of whether she ever liked anyone else. Its not her fault if she has been raped. People will always choose the easier path – abandon the girl if she has been raped and leave her to fight the trauma all by herself. How many of us will stand by her and make sure that the culprits are punished ? Very few I guess, because moving on and finding someone else will be much easier than bringing her back to normal. Then how are you better than that rapist ? Rather, how is the society any better than the rapists. Rapist rapes – thats a heinous act but what does the society do ? It makes the victim's life a hell. They are never accepted in the mainstream normally and even within the family they'll be cursed for bringing bad name to the family.

Rape should never be the reason for parting ways. How can it reduce anyone's fondness for the other. If it does, then truly that fondness is just driven by physical pleasure. We are the generation that will frame the rules of the society in coming years. Its upto us how we want to fair or fail. We can't just remain neutral on such issues and we can't just remain silent. We need to replace the existing rotten system with a new one that we will be proud of. We need to be more sensitive towards issues concerning women and we must learn to respect them. The 'object' approach towards the women is the lowest standard thoughts that we can have. How can anyone else be entitled to decide what a girl must do and what not? Who gives them the right to poison a girl's life. Nobody should have these rights. At the same time its been high time that the girls are carrying the burden of being 'Ghar ki Lakshmi'. They must understand that they are individuals and they are not dependent on others for anything. If the soceity doesn't cooperate, they must be least bothered and should not give a damn. We must have a broader and more practical mindset. Its our life, we must not compromise our happiness in light of what the society thinks of us. If a girl has been raped, its our responsibility to put her derailed life back on the track. Turning your face away should never be an option. Its not an option for me. It should not be for you too.