Thursday, March 20, 2014
Bitiya (Daughter)
"अकृति बेटा , वो कुण्डली - मिलान वाला सॉफ्टवेर है ना तुम्हारे पास ?" I had called one of my relatives to know about his well-being and the first thing he asked about was Kundli lite( Kundli and match-making software). "I had, but I uninstalled it because it gives me headache doing match-making for you all the time. Please don't ask me again for that." My response was blunt but it saved me from a lot of trouble which was nearly becoming a ritual. All families had set out on the mission to get the young girls in the family married. For me it was really odd. Everyone comes up with their own choices and suggest a match. They even try to prove that the match suggested by them is the best and look down upon the parents of the girl as if the parents are dependent on them. Parents in turn have the future of their beloved daughter in the mind but due to social setup, they can't express their unease quite vocally.
I don't know whether its still prevalent in larger parts of the society or not, but as much as I have seen the world, the process of finding a suitable groom for the girl starts from her birth itself. She is always taught to be girly in her looks and acts. I remember playing 'Khana-Pakana' with my sister. It used to be fun at that time - a tent made with shawls and bed-sheets, and in their we used to mimic the real world around us. How can one forget dolls - "Gudde Gudiya ki shaadi!".
Forgive me for my poor recall capability but i also remember the differences in scolding pattern - "इस लड़की में लड़कियों वाले एक भी लक्षण नहीं है "…… "धीरे हँसा करो, लड़कियाँ इतनी ज़ोर से नहीं हँसती"....... "तुम्हें चुप हो जाना चाहिए था, लड़कियाँ सौम्य होती हैं "………।
I was never taught a code of conduct at home or at anywhere else. I was never told that you are a boy so you should be doing this or that. But looking at a typical girl's life, it appears that all through her life, she is on a quest to become a perfect daughter then a wife, a mother and then die without asking for any acknowledgement. Those who follow the course are portrayed as ideal and those who deviate have to face all sorts of questions. But as I dig deeper, I become more and more confused. Should we always blame the males of the society for oppression?
In the current scenario, when we talk about injustice to women, we instantly think of sexual violence which is ofcourse a disturbing issue and it is inflicted by the males. But in the whole process, nobody questions the role of the females themselves. Mother-in-laws still blame the woman delivering a girl-child. I fail to reason out how a woman can blame another woman for bringing one of their own kind to the world. We still find news where families abandon the mother for delivering a girl child. All this happens in the families with a history of atrocities on women. This means that the mother-in-law would also have gone through all that she will now subject her daughter-in-law too. Where does her pain of suffering during her own time, go away?
Lets not go to the extreme of abandoning the girl but still the new mother is made to feel guilty in all the ways it can be done. It is almost chiseled in her mind that she had committed a crime. Well the situation might not be so horrific in all places but it is surely even more shocking at some other places.
After few days, acceptance comes and in many cases, the reactions might not be aggressive but behavioral changes from everyone ensures a good amount of mental torture. As the kid grows, it becomes everyone's eye-candy irrespective of its gender. For all their innocence, everyone likes a small kid irrespective of whether its a boy or a girl. But as they grow older, differences creep in again. Girls are trained to be girls in everything they do. From small things like adjusting their clothes when they stand up, to helping mothers in the kitchen, there are certain rituals they are expected to perform just because they are girls. I remember the
day my sister got her nose pierced. It was not by choice - it was forced. I can't even imagine anybody doing anything with my body parts without my will but did she really had a choice? As a kid, I had a heartily laugh when I saw her in tears because we earlier had a fight that day and I felt that it was a well deserved lesson but now I feel very bad. She was helpless but nobody cared.
I can talk to girls - as many as I want. I might be close to one of them but not all of them. But what if my sister chats with somebody - I'll be suspicious. I'll expect a certain kind of behaviour from my girlfriend but what if my own sister wants to return the same to somebody? Should I support her, turn a blind eye on it or oppress her feelings? The other boy will be in the same position as me, still I'll hate him for hitting on my sister. In our patriarchal society, brothers and fathers are treated as protectors. But that protection comes with a hidden clause - you act according to my wishes and I'll protect you. Even if this clause is followed strictly, I have no right to have bad feelings about the other guy because if he is a right choice, harming the girl will be the last thing he could think of. Still I'll be suspicious and will feel uncomfortable with this idea of my sister having feelings for somebody. All this in name of PROTECTION.
Is protection the real motive we have? Certainly not!
Its an issue of ego clash and so-called prestige which gets reflected very clearly when it comes to marriage. In large part of country, love marriage is still taboo. A love marriage is seen as a challenge to the authority of the parents. Did my dad ever introduced me to my mom and said - "Look son, this is your mother and you have to love her and obey her all through your life." ? NO! nobody ever says like that but why does it happen when it comes to choosing a life partner. The situation is equally complicated for boys but they always have advantage in our social structure. The search for a suitable match is a long and tiring process but still its a prestige issue so the parents choose the complicated path. Right from the beginning, they decide the course of our life to make us into able individuals who can lead a satisfying life. Every parent performs this duty and unquestionably, it is selfless. I mean there is very little that we can give back to our parents during the whole lifetime for all they do for us. Amid everything, comes the marriage. A boy or a girl choosing partner of their choice becomes a denial of parent's right to determine the child's future. A choice made by
the boy can still be accommodated but in most parts, its a crime for the girl to even think about it. They cannot express their choice. 'Sapno ka rajkumaar' chosen by the parents might appear to be the dumbest person to her but her fate is decided by the elders - the 'unwise' wise men. Why should a girl not be involved in decision making? Why should she not be asked whether she'll be able to reach her goals? Why should she be expected to accept anything that is slapped by her destiny? The decisions are made with very little or no participation of the girl herself and then finally marriage takes place. Parents loose their daughters and a hefty sum paid as dowry too. Still they are happy because having lost so much, they gained respect from those people of the society who might betray them in the first available opportunity. They become happy as the power equation shifts. Now the father is relieved of the role of protector which is taken over by the husband. If everything goes well, its fine but what if the marriage faces hiccups? Despite all the kundali matching, marriages still do fail. Who takes the responsibilty of that? Will the parents go on to girl and say that it was our fault? Even if they do, how good is that apology? Instead, the girl will be asked to adjust and will be told to behave like a woman.
She becomes a mother, again undergoing a lot of suffering. Roles keep on changing but she never discovers herself. Right from her birth he starts a journey to unknown. Its always about satisfying others first and then live a life of their own in whatever little room they get. I don't know what made me write all this because I have so many other things to do too but before I put a full stop, I thank you for being my mother, my sister, my teachers, my friends, somebody I loved and somebody I will always love - you make this world a better place.
Forgive me for my poor recall capability but i also remember the differences in scolding pattern - "इस लड़की में लड़कियों वाले एक भी लक्षण नहीं है "…… "धीरे हँसा करो, लड़कियाँ इतनी ज़ोर से नहीं हँसती"....... "तुम्हें चुप हो जाना चाहिए था, लड़कियाँ सौम्य होती हैं "………।
I was never taught a code of conduct at home or at anywhere else. I was never told that you are a boy so you should be doing this or that. But looking at a typical girl's life, it appears that all through her life, she is on a quest to become a perfect daughter then a wife, a mother and then die without asking for any acknowledgement. Those who follow the course are portrayed as ideal and those who deviate have to face all sorts of questions. But as I dig deeper, I become more and more confused. Should we always blame the males of the society for oppression?
In the current scenario, when we talk about injustice to women, we instantly think of sexual violence which is ofcourse a disturbing issue and it is inflicted by the males. But in the whole process, nobody questions the role of the females themselves. Mother-in-laws still blame the woman delivering a girl-child. I fail to reason out how a woman can blame another woman for bringing one of their own kind to the world. We still find news where families abandon the mother for delivering a girl child. All this happens in the families with a history of atrocities on women. This means that the mother-in-law would also have gone through all that she will now subject her daughter-in-law too. Where does her pain of suffering during her own time, go away?
Lets not go to the extreme of abandoning the girl but still the new mother is made to feel guilty in all the ways it can be done. It is almost chiseled in her mind that she had committed a crime. Well the situation might not be so horrific in all places but it is surely even more shocking at some other places.
After few days, acceptance comes and in many cases, the reactions might not be aggressive but behavioral changes from everyone ensures a good amount of mental torture. As the kid grows, it becomes everyone's eye-candy irrespective of its gender. For all their innocence, everyone likes a small kid irrespective of whether its a boy or a girl. But as they grow older, differences creep in again. Girls are trained to be girls in everything they do. From small things like adjusting their clothes when they stand up, to helping mothers in the kitchen, there are certain rituals they are expected to perform just because they are girls. I remember the
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I can talk to girls - as many as I want. I might be close to one of them but not all of them. But what if my sister chats with somebody - I'll be suspicious. I'll expect a certain kind of behaviour from my girlfriend but what if my own sister wants to return the same to somebody? Should I support her, turn a blind eye on it or oppress her feelings? The other boy will be in the same position as me, still I'll hate him for hitting on my sister. In our patriarchal society, brothers and fathers are treated as protectors. But that protection comes with a hidden clause - you act according to my wishes and I'll protect you. Even if this clause is followed strictly, I have no right to have bad feelings about the other guy because if he is a right choice, harming the girl will be the last thing he could think of. Still I'll be suspicious and will feel uncomfortable with this idea of my sister having feelings for somebody. All this in name of PROTECTION.
Is protection the real motive we have? Certainly not!
Its an issue of ego clash and so-called prestige which gets reflected very clearly when it comes to marriage. In large part of country, love marriage is still taboo. A love marriage is seen as a challenge to the authority of the parents. Did my dad ever introduced me to my mom and said - "Look son, this is your mother and you have to love her and obey her all through your life." ? NO! nobody ever says like that but why does it happen when it comes to choosing a life partner. The situation is equally complicated for boys but they always have advantage in our social structure. The search for a suitable match is a long and tiring process but still its a prestige issue so the parents choose the complicated path. Right from the beginning, they decide the course of our life to make us into able individuals who can lead a satisfying life. Every parent performs this duty and unquestionably, it is selfless. I mean there is very little that we can give back to our parents during the whole lifetime for all they do for us. Amid everything, comes the marriage. A boy or a girl choosing partner of their choice becomes a denial of parent's right to determine the child's future. A choice made by
She becomes a mother, again undergoing a lot of suffering. Roles keep on changing but she never discovers herself. Right from her birth he starts a journey to unknown. Its always about satisfying others first and then live a life of their own in whatever little room they get. I don't know what made me write all this because I have so many other things to do too but before I put a full stop, I thank you for being my mother, my sister, my teachers, my friends, somebody I loved and somebody I will always love - you make this world a better place.
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