A Letter To Dad

Dear Papa,
I wanted to talk to you about this for a long time but I know that this issue would have invited a heated argument between us, so I turn to the classic method of letters where you will atleast listen to what I am saying and may be by the end, your mind is changed. Even better, it is in electronic form so you cant't just crumple it in anger and throw away. Now that the semester has ended, I request you to listen to me.

Before I start, please promise me that you will not get offended by anything I have to say. I need to vent out my frustrations and since it is all about us, I can't talk about it with anyone else. Last week when I talked to Mamaji, I disconnected the call in between and decided that I will never call him again. He must have mentioned this incident or may be he realised why I did so. It has become a stupid trend in our family - In every conversation, Didi's marriage is always discussed. I know that she has reached the marriageable age but still I do not understand the madness which has overpowered everyone's mind. It has happened everytime I have called him during the last one year - "बेटा , आज कल तो बस एक सूत्रीय कार्यक्रम है  बिटिया की शादी। " These words irritate me to an extent which is beyond any explanation.

When Didi was in B.Pharma. 3rd year, you people had started looking for a suitable match for her and now it seems that you all have lost every other purpose of your life except her marriage. Whats so important about getting your girl married? Why is everyone so desperate? Why the hell you people ask her to help mom in the kitchen when she comes back home and never ask her how was the day? Why do you expect her to go to another room when you want to discuss about her marriage with anyone? Why have you people started treating her like a 'grocery item' ready to be sold?

As parents, you have never failed in performing your duties. You provided her with all the opportunities she deserved but it was never that simple. I know it was hard for you to stand against all those elderly men and give her another chance to crack CPMT but why did you even face a dilemma when you knew that you were right? Its not an issue that you said some things in anger some times and as parents you had all the right to do so but how fair is it to point out that she would not have got any such opportunities if you had stuck to your family values and norms. You know that those values are trash. Why did you yourself move out of that place? Can you imagine going back to village and agreeing with so called 'wise-men' of the family on any issue? Then why do you remind her everytime - "हमारे घर की औरतें बरौठे के बाहर नहीं जाती। " Papa, its a shame if they don't go out. I know you don't mean it, otherwise, you would not have sent her out for project but still saying such things demotivates her.

Dadda is done with B.Tech and he is satisfied with his job. Even I don't wish to study further but she will be done with her Masters this August and then she wants to go for PhD. She has been consistently performing very well and I cannot think of matching her efforts even in my dreams. Still, why has everything else become so important to you and not her dreams? I have deep respect for you and mom. You have seen acute poverty but still you worked tirelessly to give us a life where we do not have to turn to others for our needs. You have made our foundations very strong and its because of our upbringing only that even though we might appear to be crude to others but we can never cease to surprise them with the kind of efforts we can put in to achieve anything. When you could do so much in the past amid all the adversities, why are you not able to think rationally now?

Back there in family, when somebody says - "लड़कियों को ज्यादा पढ़ाना भी बुरा है, लडक़ा बड़ी मुश्किल से मिलता है।", I feel like shooting them from point-blank range but I am helpless because they are YOUR respected elders. I wonder how can you even listen to such things? My sister is a part of you and mom. Nobody else has any right to interfere. Look at the type of matches they suggest - 'a person running atta-chakki who has amassed huge wealth through wrong-doings , a single boy who does not do anything but is the sole beneficiary when his dad dies, a person who has cleared PCS written exam thrice but still doesn't do anything, a person who is 9 years older than her and is a professor in Agra University......' . I am happy that you finally rejected them all but I am scared by the way people think. How can one even suggest such matches for a girl who will soon be independent and will have a respectable job?

I do not understand why there is so much fuss about her marriage. Is that the ultimate achievement of anyone's life? Lets take up a situation which I pray she never has to face - what if she gets married to a perfect match according to you all and then for some reasons the marriage doesn't work well? Will you take up the blame? Even if you do, how good will it be? At that time, even you will shatter and curse yourself because only then you will regret giving in to the societal pressure. But before that, you will justify your choice in every possible way. You will spend a fortune to make up for the dowry amount and even after having lost so much, you will be relieved that at the end - "बिटिया विदा हो गई। " . Will that really be an achievement of your lifetime? Why are you trying to force your choice on her and that too when it is not guaranteed that it will be the best bet for her.

My sister is not dependent on anyone nor does she have to in future. She is an individual first and your daughter next. When she talks to boys, why do you fear that she will elope? Just because she is in front of your eyes, you scrutinize every moment of her life. Do you think that Dadda or I do not talk to girls, do not hang around with them? Papa, we do. We also had strong feelings for some of them in the past and I am mad about a girl at this time but we know our boundaries. Whats wrong if someone has feelings for the other person? It is natural and if its missing then I think there is something terribly wrong. I remember when I used to miss a call from Aisha, you used to smile and tell me that she had called but if she misses a call, why does she have to explain or fear that she might be asked to explain? Just because she is your daughter, you can't control her life. Why do you expect her to take your permission for everything she does? You have already dictated your rules for the last 24 years of her life and still you want to find a person of your choice to take control of the rest of her life. She can't be denied a choice just because she is a girl. "हमारे समाज में ये नहीं होता , हमारे समाज़ में वो नहीं होता। " - you fear the society when you are saying such things but why do you have to even fear? If you are not happy because of some social norms and still you are trying to abide by them then how are they helping? Why should you care about someone who doesn't care about your happiness. What's the use of lavish reception parties when inside you are not sure of your choice? You can never say whats going to come but still you'll be happy because you would have exercised your authority on your daughter's life and decided the course of rest of her life. Isn't that really mean? Why is everyone so insensitive about this issue?

I want Didi to be independent so that she doesn't have to look upon anyone in future. So that she doesn't have to listen to anyone's stupid arguments. So that she can be happy all by herself. So that she doesn't need a protector in form of a father or a brother.So that she can stand out from the crowd and hold her head high. So that she is never dictated by anyone. So that she doesn't need to be auctioned like this. So that she can break free from your, mine or her future husband's identity and frame a new one for herself. And so that she can finally become 'HERSELF'.

Without Fear of Favour: Bitiya (Daughter)

Without Fear of Favour: Bitiya (Daughter)

Bitiya (Daughter)

"अकृति बेटा , वो कुण्डली - मिलान  वाला  सॉफ्टवेर  है ना तुम्हारे पास ?" I had called one of my relatives to know about his well-being and the first thing he asked about was Kundli lite( Kundli and match-making software). "I had, but I uninstalled it because it gives me headache doing match-making for you all the time. Please don't ask me again for that." My response was blunt but it saved me from a lot of trouble which was nearly becoming a ritual. All families had set out on the mission to get the young girls in the family married. For me it was really odd. Everyone comes up with their own choices and suggest a match. They even try to prove that the match suggested by them is the best and look down upon the parents of the girl as if the parents are dependent on them. Parents in turn have the future of their beloved daughter in the mind but due to social setup, they can't express their unease quite vocally.

I don't know whether its still prevalent in larger parts of the society or not, but as much as I have seen the world, the process of finding a suitable groom for the girl starts from her birth itself. She is always taught to be girly in her looks and acts. I remember playing 'Khana-Pakana' with my sister. It used to be fun at that time - a tent made with shawls and bed-sheets, and in their we used to mimic the real world around us. How can one forget dolls - "Gudde Gudiya ki shaadi!".
Forgive me for my poor recall capability but i also remember the differences in scolding pattern - "इस लड़की में लड़कियों वाले एक भी लक्षण नहीं है "…… "धीरे हँसा करो, लड़कियाँ इतनी ज़ोर से नहीं हँसती"....... "तुम्हें चुप हो जाना चाहिए था, लड़कियाँ सौम्य होती हैं "………।
I was never taught a code of conduct at home or at anywhere else. I was never told that you are a boy so you should be doing this or that. But looking at a typical girl's life, it appears that all through her life, she is on a quest to become a perfect daughter then a wife, a mother and then die without asking for any acknowledgement. Those who follow the course are portrayed as ideal and those who deviate have to face all sorts of questions. But as I dig deeper, I become more and more confused. Should we always blame the males of the society for oppression?
In the current scenario, when we talk about injustice to women, we instantly think of sexual violence which is ofcourse a disturbing issue and it is inflicted by the males. But in the whole process, nobody questions the role of the females themselves. Mother-in-laws still blame the woman delivering a girl-child. I fail to reason out how a woman can blame another woman for bringing one of their own kind to the world.  We still find news where families abandon the mother for delivering a girl child. All this happens in the families with a history of atrocities on women. This means that the mother-in-law would also have gone through all that she will now subject her daughter-in-law too. Where does her pain of suffering during her own time, go away?
Lets not go to the extreme of abandoning the girl but still the new mother is made to feel guilty in all the ways it can be done. It is almost chiseled in her mind that she had committed a crime. Well the situation might not be so horrific in all places but it is surely even more shocking at some other places.
After few days, acceptance comes and in many cases, the reactions might not be aggressive but behavioral changes from everyone ensures a good amount of mental torture. As the kid grows, it becomes everyone's eye-candy irrespective of its gender. For all their innocence, everyone likes a small kid irrespective of whether its a boy or a girl. But as they grow older, differences creep in again. Girls are trained to be girls in everything they do. From small things like adjusting their clothes when they stand up, to helping mothers in the kitchen, there are certain rituals they are expected to perform just because they are girls. I remember the

day my sister got her nose pierced. It was not by choice - it was forced. I can't even imagine anybody doing anything with my body parts without my will but did she really had a choice? As a kid, I had a heartily laugh when I saw her in tears because we earlier had a fight that day and I felt that it was a well deserved lesson but now I feel very bad. She was helpless but nobody cared.
I can talk to girls - as many as I want. I might be close to one of them but not all of them. But what if my sister chats with somebody - I'll be suspicious. I'll expect a certain kind of behaviour from my girlfriend but what if my own sister wants to return the same to somebody? Should I support her, turn a blind eye on it or oppress her feelings? The other boy will be in the same position as me, still I'll hate him for hitting on my sister. In our patriarchal society, brothers and fathers are treated as protectors. But that protection comes with a hidden clause - you act according to my wishes and I'll protect you. Even if this clause is followed strictly, I have no right to have bad feelings about the other guy because if he is a right choice, harming the girl will be the last thing he could think of. Still I'll be suspicious and will feel uncomfortable with this idea of my sister having feelings for somebody. All this in name of PROTECTION.

Is protection the real motive we have? Certainly not!
Its an issue of ego clash and so-called prestige which gets reflected very clearly when it comes to marriage. In large part of country, love marriage is still taboo. A love marriage is seen as a challenge to the authority of the parents. Did my dad ever introduced me to my mom and said - "Look son, this is your mother and you have to love her and obey her all through your life." ?  NO! nobody ever says like that but why does it happen when it comes to choosing a life partner. The situation is equally complicated for boys but they always have advantage in our social structure. The search for a suitable match is a long and tiring process but still its a prestige issue so the parents choose the complicated path. Right from the beginning, they decide the course of our life to make us into able individuals who can lead a satisfying life. Every parent performs this duty and unquestionably, it is selfless. I mean there is very little that we can give back to our parents during the whole lifetime for all they do for us. Amid everything, comes the marriage. A boy or a girl choosing partner of their choice becomes a denial of parent's right to determine the child's future. A choice made by

the boy can still be accommodated but in most parts, its a crime for the girl to even think about it. They cannot express their choice. 'Sapno ka rajkumaar' chosen by the parents might appear to be the dumbest person to her but her fate is decided by the elders - the 'unwise' wise men. Why should a girl not be involved in decision making? Why should she not be asked whether she'll be able to reach her goals? Why should she be expected to accept anything that is slapped by her destiny? The decisions are made with very little or no participation of the girl herself and then finally marriage takes place. Parents loose their daughters and a hefty sum paid as dowry too. Still they are happy because having lost so much, they gained respect from those people of the society who might betray them in the first available opportunity. They become happy as the power equation shifts. Now the father is relieved of the role of protector which is taken over by the husband. If everything goes well, its fine but what if the marriage faces hiccups? Despite all the kundali matching, marriages still do fail. Who takes the responsibilty of that? Will the parents go on to girl and say that it was our fault? Even if they do, how good is that apology? Instead, the girl will be asked to adjust and will be told to behave like a woman.
She becomes a mother, again undergoing a lot of suffering. Roles keep on changing but she never discovers herself. Right from her birth he starts a journey to unknown. Its always about satisfying others first and then live a life of their own in whatever little room they get. I don't know what made me write all this because I have so many other things to do too but before I put a full stop, I thank you for being my mother, my sister, my teachers, my friends, somebody I loved and somebody I will always love - you make this world a better place.