Dear Papa,
I wanted to talk to you about this for a long time but I know that this issue would have invited a heated argument between us, so I turn to the classic method of letters where you will atleast listen to what I am saying and may be by the end, your mind is changed. Even better, it is in electronic form so you cant't just crumple it in anger and throw away. Now that the semester has ended, I request you to listen to me.
Before I start, please promise me that you will not get offended by anything I have to say. I need to vent out my frustrations and since it is all about us, I can't talk about it with anyone else. Last week when I talked to Mamaji, I disconnected the call in between and decided that I will never call him again. He must have mentioned this incident or may be he realised why I did so. It has become a stupid trend in our family - In every conversation, Didi's marriage is always discussed. I know that she has reached the marriageable age but still I do not understand the madness which has overpowered everyone's mind. It has happened everytime I have called him during the last one year - "बेटा , आज कल तो बस एक सूत्रीय कार्यक्रम है बिटिया की शादी। " These words irritate me to an extent which is beyond any explanation.
When Didi was in B.Pharma. 3rd year, you people had started looking for a suitable match for her and now it seems that you all have lost every other purpose of your life except her marriage. Whats so important about getting your girl married? Why is everyone so desperate? Why the hell you people ask her to help mom in the kitchen when she comes back home and never ask her how was the day? Why do you expect her to go to another room when you want to discuss about her marriage with anyone? Why have you people started treating her like a 'grocery item' ready to be sold?
As parents, you have never failed in performing your duties. You provided her with all the opportunities she deserved but it was never that simple. I know it was hard for you to stand against all those elderly men and give her another chance to crack CPMT but why did you even face a dilemma when you knew that you were right? Its not an issue that you said some things in anger some times and as parents you had all the right to do so but how fair is it to point out that she would not have got any such opportunities if you had stuck to your family values and norms. You know that those values are trash. Why did you yourself move out of that place? Can you imagine going back to village and agreeing with so called 'wise-men' of the family on any issue? Then why do you remind her everytime - "हमारे घर की औरतें बरौठे के बाहर नहीं जाती। " Papa, its a shame if they don't go out. I know you don't mean it, otherwise, you would not have sent her out for project but still saying such things demotivates her.
Dadda is done with B.Tech and he is satisfied with his job. Even I don't wish to study further but she will be done with her Masters this August and then she wants to go for PhD. She has been consistently performing very well and I cannot think of matching her efforts even in my dreams. Still, why has everything else become so important to you and not her dreams? I have deep respect for you and mom. You have seen acute poverty but still you worked tirelessly to give us a life where we do not have to turn to others for our needs. You have made our foundations very strong and its because of our upbringing only that even though we might appear to be crude to others but we can never cease to surprise them with the kind of efforts we can put in to achieve anything. When you could do so much in the past amid all the adversities, why are you not able to think rationally now?
Back there in family, when somebody says - "लड़कियों को ज्यादा पढ़ाना भी बुरा है, लडक़ा बड़ी मुश्किल से मिलता है।", I feel like shooting them from point-blank range but I am helpless because they are YOUR respected elders. I wonder how can you even listen to such things? My sister is a part of you and mom. Nobody else has any right to interfere. Look at the type of matches they suggest - 'a person running atta-chakki who has amassed huge wealth through wrong-doings , a single boy who does not do anything but is the sole beneficiary when his dad dies, a person who has cleared PCS written exam thrice but still doesn't do anything, a person who is 9 years older than her and is a professor in Agra University......' . I am happy that you finally rejected them all but I am scared by the way people think. How can one even suggest such matches for a girl who will soon be independent and will have a respectable job?
I do not understand why there is so much fuss about her marriage. Is that the ultimate achievement of anyone's life? Lets take up a situation which I pray she never has to face - what if she gets married to a perfect match according to you all and then for some reasons the marriage doesn't work well? Will you take up the blame? Even if you do, how good will it be? At that time, even you will shatter and curse yourself because only then you will regret giving in to the societal pressure. But before that, you will justify your choice in every possible way. You will spend a fortune to make up for the dowry amount and even after having lost so much, you will be relieved that at the end - "बिटिया विदा हो गई। " . Will that really be an achievement of your lifetime? Why are you trying to force your choice on her and that too when it is not guaranteed that it will be the best bet for her.
My sister is not dependent on anyone nor does she have to in future. She is an individual first and your daughter next. When she talks to boys, why do you fear that she will elope? Just because she is in front of your eyes, you scrutinize every moment of her life. Do you think that Dadda or I do not talk to girls, do not hang around with them? Papa, we do. We also had strong feelings for some of them in the past and I am mad about a girl at this time but we know our boundaries. Whats wrong if someone has feelings for the other person? It is natural and if its missing then I think there is something terribly wrong. I remember when I used to miss a call from Aisha, you used to smile and tell me that she had called but if she misses a call, why does she have to explain or fear that she might be asked to explain? Just because she is your daughter, you can't control her life. Why do you expect her to take your permission for everything she does? You have already dictated your rules for the last 24 years of her life and still you want to find a person of your choice to take control of the rest of her life. She can't be denied a choice just because she is a girl. "हमारे समाज में ये नहीं होता , हमारे समाज़ में वो नहीं होता। " - you fear the society when you are saying such things but why do you have to even fear? If you are not happy because of some social norms and still you are trying to abide by them then how are they helping? Why should you care about someone who doesn't care about your happiness. What's the use of lavish reception parties when inside you are not sure of your choice? You can never say whats going to come but still you'll be happy because you would have exercised your authority on your daughter's life and decided the course of rest of her life. Isn't that really mean? Why is everyone so insensitive about this issue?
I want Didi to be independent so that she doesn't have to look upon anyone in future. So that she doesn't have to listen to anyone's stupid arguments. So that she can be happy all by herself. So that she doesn't need a protector in form of a father or a brother.So that she can stand out from the crowd and hold her head high. So that she is never dictated by anyone. So that she doesn't need to be auctioned like this. So that she can break free from your, mine or her future husband's identity and frame a new one for herself. And so that she can finally become 'HERSELF'.
I wanted to talk to you about this for a long time but I know that this issue would have invited a heated argument between us, so I turn to the classic method of letters where you will atleast listen to what I am saying and may be by the end, your mind is changed. Even better, it is in electronic form so you cant't just crumple it in anger and throw away. Now that the semester has ended, I request you to listen to me.
Before I start, please promise me that you will not get offended by anything I have to say. I need to vent out my frustrations and since it is all about us, I can't talk about it with anyone else. Last week when I talked to Mamaji, I disconnected the call in between and decided that I will never call him again. He must have mentioned this incident or may be he realised why I did so. It has become a stupid trend in our family - In every conversation, Didi's marriage is always discussed. I know that she has reached the marriageable age but still I do not understand the madness which has overpowered everyone's mind. It has happened everytime I have called him during the last one year - "बेटा , आज कल तो बस एक सूत्रीय कार्यक्रम है बिटिया की शादी। " These words irritate me to an extent which is beyond any explanation.
When Didi was in B.Pharma. 3rd year, you people had started looking for a suitable match for her and now it seems that you all have lost every other purpose of your life except her marriage. Whats so important about getting your girl married? Why is everyone so desperate? Why the hell you people ask her to help mom in the kitchen when she comes back home and never ask her how was the day? Why do you expect her to go to another room when you want to discuss about her marriage with anyone? Why have you people started treating her like a 'grocery item' ready to be sold?
As parents, you have never failed in performing your duties. You provided her with all the opportunities she deserved but it was never that simple. I know it was hard for you to stand against all those elderly men and give her another chance to crack CPMT but why did you even face a dilemma when you knew that you were right? Its not an issue that you said some things in anger some times and as parents you had all the right to do so but how fair is it to point out that she would not have got any such opportunities if you had stuck to your family values and norms. You know that those values are trash. Why did you yourself move out of that place? Can you imagine going back to village and agreeing with so called 'wise-men' of the family on any issue? Then why do you remind her everytime - "हमारे घर की औरतें बरौठे के बाहर नहीं जाती। " Papa, its a shame if they don't go out. I know you don't mean it, otherwise, you would not have sent her out for project but still saying such things demotivates her.
Dadda is done with B.Tech and he is satisfied with his job. Even I don't wish to study further but she will be done with her Masters this August and then she wants to go for PhD. She has been consistently performing very well and I cannot think of matching her efforts even in my dreams. Still, why has everything else become so important to you and not her dreams? I have deep respect for you and mom. You have seen acute poverty but still you worked tirelessly to give us a life where we do not have to turn to others for our needs. You have made our foundations very strong and its because of our upbringing only that even though we might appear to be crude to others but we can never cease to surprise them with the kind of efforts we can put in to achieve anything. When you could do so much in the past amid all the adversities, why are you not able to think rationally now?
Back there in family, when somebody says - "लड़कियों को ज्यादा पढ़ाना भी बुरा है, लडक़ा बड़ी मुश्किल से मिलता है।", I feel like shooting them from point-blank range but I am helpless because they are YOUR respected elders. I wonder how can you even listen to such things? My sister is a part of you and mom. Nobody else has any right to interfere. Look at the type of matches they suggest - 'a person running atta-chakki who has amassed huge wealth through wrong-doings , a single boy who does not do anything but is the sole beneficiary when his dad dies, a person who has cleared PCS written exam thrice but still doesn't do anything, a person who is 9 years older than her and is a professor in Agra University......' . I am happy that you finally rejected them all but I am scared by the way people think. How can one even suggest such matches for a girl who will soon be independent and will have a respectable job?
I do not understand why there is so much fuss about her marriage. Is that the ultimate achievement of anyone's life? Lets take up a situation which I pray she never has to face - what if she gets married to a perfect match according to you all and then for some reasons the marriage doesn't work well? Will you take up the blame? Even if you do, how good will it be? At that time, even you will shatter and curse yourself because only then you will regret giving in to the societal pressure. But before that, you will justify your choice in every possible way. You will spend a fortune to make up for the dowry amount and even after having lost so much, you will be relieved that at the end - "बिटिया विदा हो गई। " . Will that really be an achievement of your lifetime? Why are you trying to force your choice on her and that too when it is not guaranteed that it will be the best bet for her.
My sister is not dependent on anyone nor does she have to in future. She is an individual first and your daughter next. When she talks to boys, why do you fear that she will elope? Just because she is in front of your eyes, you scrutinize every moment of her life. Do you think that Dadda or I do not talk to girls, do not hang around with them? Papa, we do. We also had strong feelings for some of them in the past and I am mad about a girl at this time but we know our boundaries. Whats wrong if someone has feelings for the other person? It is natural and if its missing then I think there is something terribly wrong. I remember when I used to miss a call from Aisha, you used to smile and tell me that she had called but if she misses a call, why does she have to explain or fear that she might be asked to explain? Just because she is your daughter, you can't control her life. Why do you expect her to take your permission for everything she does? You have already dictated your rules for the last 24 years of her life and still you want to find a person of your choice to take control of the rest of her life. She can't be denied a choice just because she is a girl. "हमारे समाज में ये नहीं होता , हमारे समाज़ में वो नहीं होता। " - you fear the society when you are saying such things but why do you have to even fear? If you are not happy because of some social norms and still you are trying to abide by them then how are they helping? Why should you care about someone who doesn't care about your happiness. What's the use of lavish reception parties when inside you are not sure of your choice? You can never say whats going to come but still you'll be happy because you would have exercised your authority on your daughter's life and decided the course of rest of her life. Isn't that really mean? Why is everyone so insensitive about this issue?
I want Didi to be independent so that she doesn't have to look upon anyone in future. So that she doesn't have to listen to anyone's stupid arguments. So that she can be happy all by herself. So that she doesn't need a protector in form of a father or a brother.So that she can stand out from the crowd and hold her head high. So that she is never dictated by anyone. So that she doesn't need to be auctioned like this. So that she can break free from your, mine or her future husband's identity and frame a new one for herself. And so that she can finally become 'HERSELF'.
